At my first New York gallery show, an Ukranian artist named Bokov drew caricatures1 of those present. Mine was a young girl with a big head, tiny neck, and disconnected body. I didn’t like it at all. I already felt like a bumpkin in the big city, so I was uncomfortable seeing that reflected back to me.
But, I thanked him and carried on. He was a lovely man. And I was fortunate to meet him.
Four years later and Bokov came to my solo show. He drew me this time as Miss America, smiling, carrying roses, and wearing a sash. I didn’t like that caricature either. I wasn’t in New York to be Miss America, I thought, even thought I’d carefully chosen clothes that flattered me and smiled at all the guests who arrived to the opening.
And what did he see?
He saw the friendly, vivacious host, the thing I could do at my opening because I’d worked in restaurants forever. He did not see a brooding, serious artist. He showed me that I had lost control of my projected self-image. My ego got insulted because my ego got shown itself.
Bokov saw correctly: he captured some basic nature that seeped out all over the place – I was 26 and wanted to be beautiful and seen.
He saw true, and that’s what artists do.
All I can think now is that who we think we are, and what the world reflects back to us can be uncomfortable, especially when we think we’ve successfully buried the lead as to who we are as humans. In my case, I had a frail and faulty ego, with a presentational coating that existed precisely to mask my inner life and keep me feeling in control.
There’s no real end to this story, except to note that a healthy person would simply chuckle at the drawing, and carry on, unconcerned with good-natured reflections from others. It’s like being roasted: the biggest egos can take it, laugh at themselves and move on.
In my land, it is better to simply get back to making art.
Veils & Sides: showing both sides of a whole
This drawing is from yesterday. I haven’t had a nature walk in many days, so took a photo of these lines on a driveway to have something to work with. This drawing explores the difference between veils and sides. Which fits this little reflection of presentation vs. self too.
Veils carry style and mystery and allure. Sides are often viewed only one at a time. Both indicate wholes and include information of two opposing types: that which is desired to be seen (like eyes above a veil, or a “light side”); and that which is under or the opposite (like what’s behind the veil, or a “dark side”).
Wishing to control our image is a human tendency. Seeing correctly is an artist’s way.
Abstract Art in shades of Teal and dark fucshia
- I’ll try to dig these drawings up for inclusion here soon. Right now they are in a container in my sleeping teenager’s bedroom and I don’t dare wake them early. ↩︎